Mike Hennessy: This is Mike Hennessy and on behalf of the team at LoveEvolveandThrive.com, I would like to welcome you to today’s interview with Dr. Sylva Dvorak. Sylva Dvorak is a licensed doctor of psychoneurology and integrative healing and is a co-author of Your Hidden Riches: Unleashing the Power of Ritual to Create a Life of Meaning and Purpose. To learn more about Dr. Sylva Dvorak, visit her website atwww.drsylvadvorak.com or www.liveyourlightnow.com. Dr. Sylva Dvorak, thank you so much for joining us today.
Dr. Dvorak: Thank you so much. I’m so glad to be here.
Mike: Dr. Dvorak, some of our subscribers that are coming out of a messy breakup or a divorce, often find dating intimidating and stressful and that sets up this kind of scenario where they haven’t dated for a long time and they may feel out of place, out of touch, or even outdated. And that can make dating a real chore instead of a fun and pleasurable experience.
What are some ways women can overcome dating anxiety and put the fun back into dating?
Dr. Dvorak: Yeah. You know, you’re so right. After a long break from being in the dating world, the thought of meeting someone new and connecting heart to heart with all the possible internal conflicts you may have about can certainly cause anxiety and stress for most people.
You just need to know that there are things you can do to overcome dating anxiety and then enjoy dating again.
First of all, you have to remember that the person you will be having a date with is a person who is also most likely feeling a little anxiety about going out on a date as well especially if it’s a first date. So anytime we do something new especially in matters of the heart, there is a little anxiety for most people.
And remembering that they are most likely feeling like you is one of the most important things you can do to stay present and be in the moment.
And don’t put so much pressure on the first date or even the first few dates by thinking thoughts such as, “What if he is the one?” or, “What if he’s not going to like me?” Your goal right now when you’re first getting out there to date is just to get out there and first and foremost have fun.
Dating will be much more enjoyable when you take it lightly. And what I mean by that is you don’t take it so seriously as if you’re going out on a job interview. Remember, just be you. Be your incredible, beautiful self. Go out and have fun. Flirt and laugh and that’s all you have to do when you’re getting back into dating.
The other thing to remember is not to judge yourself and then in turn possibly judge your date if what you see and hear is not perfect in whatever you may think perfection is. Women tend to be quite judgmental of themselves usually much more so than their date would ever be to them. So remembering that both of you maybe a little nervous, you can cut yourself and your date some slack and stay open.
Now, I’m not saying it’s OK to allow someone to be rude to you or allow yourself to be treated any less than a lady should be. What I am saying is that if you or they stumble on your words when you’re speaking on that date or let’s say, food drops out of your mouth when you’re eating the meal, just make a joke of it. Keep it light.
You’re not expecting perfection and we’re all human and that’s part of this joy of life and the adventure of going out on a date is you don’t have to be perfect and they don’t have to be perfect. You’re just looking for a perfect partner that is a perfect match for you. And that means someone who loves your quirkiness, accepts you for who you are, and you accept them for who they are.
Also, the more you quiet your self-judgment, accept yourself, know your own worth, and see and feel your own past in a compassionate way, the more you protect yourself from judgment.
You have to remember that your outer world is created by your inner world. And the more you are kind, loving, and gentle with yourself, the more the outside world will reflect that as well.
So some of the things you can do to do that and help yourself with that is to really prepare for your date. A lot of anxiety about dating can come from worrying about what you’ll say, what you’ll look like, what if you don’t have anything in common, would not know how to handle a certain situation, et cetera, et cetera. That mind chatter can just take over.
So you can prepare yourself by – for example, if you’re concerned about thinking of what to say then you can think about some questions you can ask your date.
And be sincerely interested in the person. This is a great gift to someone and of course, it’s a gift to you as well. So, you can think of questions you would want to ask your date. Questions such as, what you most passionate about, what do you love to do, what was one of the best experiences of your life, what’s the most fascinating place you’ve ever visited, et cetera, et cetera.
That way, you can prepare perhaps if you’re worried about those awkward silent moments. You’ll have some questions. And be sincerely interested in them and their response.
The key to this is don’t ask on a first date though about past relationships and don’t share yours. In the beginning, you don’t really need to know about their past relationships and they don’t need to know about yours.
Just be present. Have fun.
It’s easy to judge another person before you really know about their past by the way, before you really know about who they are today. So, just stay present to now and ask them questions that you would really be interested in knowing and who they have become for today.
Then the other thing is, this is especially true for women, is go out on a date feeling the best you can about yourself.
One of the things you can do for that is make a list of at 10 things you really like and appreciate about yourself. And you can even ask someone close to you, perhaps a family member or a friend, what they like and appreciate about you, and then write these down as well.
And then read this several times before you go out on a date. This will really help you to focus on the qualities you have and less of your mind on those negative worries about yourself. Again, that monkey mind that maybe taking over with worry about yourself.
Also, take the time to find the outfit you would really like to wear and feel good in, the shoes, and your hair, and makeup, and prepare for the date. The better you feel about yourself, the less anxious you’ll be because you’ll feel more confident.
Remember, you’re going out on a date to have fun, meet new people, and see who you would like to have as a potential partner for the long term. So right now, when you’re going out on those first few dates, that’s all you need to do, is just go out, have fun, feel good, ask questions that you would be interested just of asking anyone else. And then really taking the time to prepare and feel good about yourself will also help you to feel less anxious and less worried.
Lastly, remember that dating goes two ways.
Whether or not there is chemistry there or you click with someone on a date is really a 50-50 venture. Sometimes it does and sometimes it does not. And if it doesn’t click, if there isn’t that match, it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you. It just isn’t that said period. It has nothing to do with you.
I promise you this that every date you go on takes you closer to the next and to finding your perfect love match. So go out, have fun, be you, and know that the very best is yet to come.
Mike: Dr. Sylva Dvorak, thank you so much for joining us today. It’s a pleasure to speak to you.
Dr. Dvorak: Thank you so much.
Mike Hennessy: And this is Mike Hennessy and on behalf of the team at LoveEvolveandThrive.com, I would like to thank you for listening to our interview with Dr. Sylva Dvorak and we wish you the very best in your relationships. For free tips and insights on relationship advice for women, from hundreds of experts and authors, please visit our website at www.LoveEvolveandThrive.com.