Mike: This is Mike Hennessy. And on behalf of the team of LoveEvolveAndThrive.com, I’d like to welcome you to today’s interview with Charlie Emery. Charlie Emery is a communication specialist, TV personality, relationship expert, and the author of Thank Goodness You Dumped His Ass. Charlie has appeared on Fox LA, Fox News Boston, and NBC affiliate KECI, countless radio shows, any networks reality show opening act.
To learn more about Charlie, visit www.charlyemery.com, Charlie Emery I can't tell you how pleased I am that you're joining us today. I hope we'll have lots of information that will really help some people today.
Charly Emery: Oh wonderful, I am thrilled to be here.
Mike: Charly one of the common barriers women face when it comes to attracting healthy love is limiting self-belief. So from the other side of the coin is a man I can say, I've seen this so often, beliefs like I'm too old to find love or I am too overweight to find love or I’m not physically attractive and men won’t be attracted to me, or I'm going to be single and miserable for the rest of my life, all that sort of stuff.
Can you share some practical, actionable, and insightful tips on how women can reframe those negative beliefs, so they can go out and be successful in their love lives?
Charly Emery: I am so glad that you asked this question about these self-limiting beliefs because they really do wreak havoc on your ability to attract a relationship and so just getting into it because I love to just get right into the action steps for people, let's go right to it.
The first thing is that you've got to accept, and I mean really accepting it, get real with yourself about the fact that those beliefs absolutely do not serve you, they just don't help it all, and sometimes it's easy, we don't realize that we're indulging ourselves in that, 'Oh the stress of those feelings', but we really do through that process help them to take root and stay there.
One of the things you need to do is to shift because in truth the only way to virtually guarantee that you're going to have difficulty attracting a partner is by holding on to all those mistruths.
So the other side is really recognize where a lot of that comes from.
It’s typically coming from a combination of yourself and what you feel but a lot of it is media, and more than you realize and you know I just met the love of my life over the age of 40 and he happens to be from Europe.
When I hear a lot of the differences between Europe and here, one of the things that I noticed is that people in Europe tend to scrutinize and question the media more than we do and so we don't realize how much we're taking in.
A lot of these things when women are worried about being too heavy too this, or too that, really what it is, is because the media for the most part is putting out such awful inaccurate information about what it takes to be happy in a relationship and attract a relationship.
So what we don't realize, out of that I'm too this or too that, is simply coming from the fact that we're seeing images that say, here's the formula for success and we know we're not matching up with that, and the truth is that formula is being put out is inaccurate and in many cases just downright wrong,
So as women, it's very important that you question what you hear in the media, you scrutinize what you see in the media and you use some of your own common sense to look around and say does that really make sense?
And if you're not able to do that, then just tune out, and leave that stuff out because when you're already coming from a place where you're going to life changes, maybe you're getting older, whatever it is, the last thing that you need is all of this other information telling you who you're supposed to be, that's completely wrong and then making you feel like you're falling short of it, and therefore you can't get what you want.
So the other side of that of course is ourselves, right. We all go through things, and in the course of life especially lots of times we forget who we are.
We start out saying, 'Hey this is who I am, or this is who I want to be', and then life happens sometimes. the divorce happens, sometimes you may be just you build a career or you're raising children, and like I said maybe you did go through a divorce, and now all the sudden you're back out there, or maybe you've lost a spouse and now you're saying well, I had a great partner and I had that experience, but I’m still here and I'm not ready to not have an experience that might be similar again, and am I too old? All these things go through your head.
And so what's really important is to take a step back and realize that part of the questions about being enough come from you not even realizing who you are so take a step and say, who am I today?
You’ve got to define who you are and what you bring to the table and in some cases because a lot of changes have taken place or years have gone by, or different things in your life and your roles have changed, you have to redefine who you are and sometimes the ideas about who you thought you were going to be at the age you are right now, you realize they're just completely false.
They didn't happen that way so let it go and take a minute to really say to yourself today, what gets me excited today? What do I want to engage in today?
And I know you might think well, that's not talking about a relationship but it's one of the most crucial aspects of attracting a great relationship because if you aren't enthusiastic about you, and you don't have a connection to you in a relationship with yourself, it is so difficult to attract someone who else you can have a great relationship with.
You want to be able to, I mean that's part of what makes you attractive, is your enthusiasm for life and if you don't like who you are, or you've forgotten to remember any of the things about you that makes you special, well then it stand to reason that when you're dating, you're always feeling like you need to prove something, because in truth you're not just proving it to this person or this man that you might possibly attract, or be on a date with, you're trying to prove it to you.
And so we've got to eliminate that, and the way to do that is to get back in touch with who you are, and think about what makes you special.
What for the man that you're wanting to attract into your life?
What is going to be great about having you in his life?
What do you bring?
What’s great about you?
What are the qualities that you have?
What are the things that he's going to be able to enjoy?
Because we're usually pretty clear about what we want to experience with someone else, and that brings me to the other thing which is, now you've got to also re-frame your goal.
So once you kind of thrown out all that media stuff because let's face it, we see if you look around a lot of great relationships out there, and they are in every shape size color ethnicity so the proof is in the pudding that a lot of that stuff you read is not true.
So once we've eliminated that and then got in touch with who you are and what you bring to the table, it's time to re-frame the goal.
Your goal is not to try to go out there and find a man who is attracted to you, your goal is to come together with somebody whom you can have a great relationship experience, where you guys are both attracted to each other for a number of different reasons.
Not just physical but one of the things especially as we get older, that's incredibly attractive to a man, and a woman, is that enthusiasm, is that curiosity for life, the fact that you're still here, and you're still engaging and interested in life is part of what makes you so enjoyable to be around.
So it's really important that you think about your goal and remember, your job is not to try to find somebody who's going to accept you or like you, your job is to take really good care of you and know who you are, and then keep kind of a two-way street open like, okay well this is what I bring to the table, and this is why it's great to be in a relationship with me, and what do you bring and do you, does that man even bring the things that you're looking for?
Because a lot of women also need to belief they are taking effect, the other thing that it does, is it causes you to latch on or try to sustain relationships with men who aren't even the right partners for you. There are already falling short of what you want, and yet you're distracted by trying to keep them and then if you're not able to keep them, you feel like there's something wrong with you, when in fact it was you that should have already recognized, this isn't the guy I'm looking for so that's why it's so important to recognize who you are so you don't get caught on that hamster wheel of chasing men, who aren't even the right man for you and that brings me to one of these things about age too.
I met my partner in my forties, you know my best, best friend in the world, we just celebrated her 76th birthday, and she was married to the love of her life, and had an amazing marriage and he passed away years before her.
I remember, when I was helping her get back out, and she said you know what, I want a companion.
And you know she was in her early seventies thinking, 'Wow all the men are going to want to date younger women', and all the stories that you hear.
And you know the reality is, I told her, that's not true.
But if you believe that that's how it's going to be, you just have to know what makes you a great catch, and put it out there, and you'll see what happens and she dated a couple of great men, and now she has an amazing partner, they’re traveling the world together, they’re both really active, he’s actually a couple years younger than her, but he really wanted a woman with whom he could match mentally, and emotionally, and they both have a lot of life experience, they both happen to have previous partners that they were very happy with so again you have to throw that stuff out because I can give an example that disproves all of these things about weight, about this, about that, one thing I will say, is that part of liking you is making sure that you get in touch with you, and you take care of you.
See when we don't take care of ourselves, and we don't make ourselves a healthy valued priority in our lives, we can't possibly attract someone else who's really going to do it effectively because what happens is, we essentially teach them from the beginning that it's not that important, and that certain things will come second and we envy the other part of that that's really difficult is that, we also are in a sense subconsciously teaching ourselves that we're not important, and we don't have a lot of value which makes us when we are in, you know working with somebody else or interacting with someone else, that's where a lot of times we can put them on the pedestal, and not realize the value that we're bringing to the equation as well so it's very, very important that part of what you're doing is, if you explore these beliefs, what are they for you, are they age, is it weight, is it that?
Ask yourself honestly, well is this because I'm really not happy at the weight on that?
Because if you honestly really do want to lose a little weight for you, then do it, take the best part of you taking care of you and giving you something that you want. It should not be tied to the fact that you think it's going to make you more attractive, but maybe for you it makes you feel more attractive because it just, it's more in line with what you want, and where you want to be.
I think that as women, one of the things that we need to do, is get in touch with what our personal best or better feels like for us, and that's different for every single woman.
But if you can get in touch with you, and re-establish that relationship with you, you just won't believe how much things will change, and that's what makes you so interesting to another person so the other thing that I would say is once you've really started re-establishing that relationship with you, so that you like you, you know looking at some of those beliefs that you have, you use them as tools to point out to you, is this something that I've just taken in that's just completely false, and it's in my subconscious, and I've been believing it?
Or is it something relevant that I do actually need to take action on. The things about age, and all of that, I can tell you that as a woman who is dating over 40, there's a couple of things you have to remember.
The guy that you're looking for to add to your life, you have to think about what does that relationship look like?
What does it feel like?
Because you're not looking for a man, you’re looking for an experience, and if you don't pick the right guy, you don't get the experience even if you end up with somebody that you're in a relationship with and we've all experienced this at one time or another, so one of the things that's really, really important, once you've thought about what you actually want to experience in that relationship is, you've got to make sure that when you're going out there, and you're looking at, okay well, okay this is kind of what I'm looking to experience, that you have that curiosity.
It’s very, very important for you to have that curiosity and if you're looking at age, for example and you're saying well, I feel old, here's the thing if you remember; when you're going out there and you are meeting men, you're finding out the same way they're getting to know a little bit about you, you should be curious about how did they sit with what you're looking for and see if you just judge the men that you come in contact with general, in general you're going to have completely skewed statistics, and it gives you a false sense of reality about yourself.
There are plenty of guys out there who really do want to date younger women. Now, I can tell you that a percentage of the men who are dipping into younger dating pools are doing it because some of those women are more carefree, and more enthusiastic about life and men, they like that. So you have to remember, if you've got baggage, if you've got things that are making you insecure or angry, that's your job to take care of that stuff because nobody new coming into your life wants to pay for your past experiences.
So that's very, very important but those guys who are just dating in that dating pool because those are also women that they are meeting, those are the same guys who can still date you, and choose you. They’re not choosing a body, the guy who's choosing a body or an age is already guys not for you. So don't even worry about him but don't factor him in to a false statistic about what your chances are because just the same as the guy who says 'nope, I won't date a woman with brown eyes and she just got to have blue eyes', and that's how it works.
It sounds silly as an example, but in truth, there are those guys who, they want to date 25-year old and you have to know that mentally if that's where they're at, and it's already not the right match for you. Because you guys already have different perspectives about how you want to go forward, and what you're looking for in a relationship so don't get caught up in how old she is, or how old she isn't, just understand that that's nature giving you an easy filter to say, nope, this one isn't even one you're going to sort through, he's already out.
So just to kind of recap, and I know that's a lot of information I get so excited when I get into this question, it's so, so important for all the women out there, we are the keepers of everything for ourselves, and if we don't, if we lose touch with who we are, and what makes us wonderful as women and we don't need to compare it to any other woman.
It doesn't matter, it's irrelevant but we have to know what is it that is great about me? What do I like about me? And then see if you're showing it or if you're hiding those aspects of yourself and if there are things about you that you really honestly don't feel good about, well then be accountable to yourself and change them.
And I’m not talking about surgery and things like that, but I'm talking about your activities, if you realize, you know what, I don't get out enough, for I don't have any hobbies that I do that are interesting, or maybe I need to change my friends little bit, because my friends are not really in line with where I want to go you know maybe they're happy with this kind of a lifestyle where we're just talking about you know the celebrity gossip but I'd like some friends who maybe want to do a pottery class or do some things like that.
Well, then get out and get into more of these little activities.
If you want to lose some weight, because you really feel like, you know what I could just tighten up here, and do a little something there or maybe if I just went down one size of my clothes I would feel better, then give that to yourself as a gift because the better that you treat yourself, and the more you make your desires a priority for yourself from the inside, not because you're trying to please someone else, but because you're just honest to goodness feel a connection to it, and it feels good to you, exclusive of what anyone else thinks, that's part of what brings your vibration up.
So that your enthusiasm for life is higher, and other, and men, they're gonna pick that up and I know, you know my partner is also in his 40s and he said, you know if women just knew that one of the most attractive things to a man, of course we're going to notice physical things, and of course we're going to look, it’s just the nature of men, but for a solid guy who's looking for a great partner, he wants somebody who's excited about life.
Because you're talking about having a relationship together, and doing new things together. So if you stopped doing anything new, if you stop discovering anything about yourself, then it's time to open that vault back up, and start looking at who you are, and not who you're not, and present yourself for the place of who you are with curiosity, remembering that you also have a job of checking to see how the men that you come in contact fit with what you want.
Because ultimately, the greatest relationship is about each of us knowing who we are, what makes us special and being able to recognize, that within each other we have partners, with whom we can be, everything that we love to be, and give the way we want to give, and at the same time receive the thing that we also want to be able to receive, and need to receive in order to feel really good.
It’s a two-way street, and that's what you're looking for.
Mike: Emery, great advice I think, and hopefully very helpful for our listeners. Thanks so much for joining us today.
Charly Emery: You're so welcome. Thank you Mike.
Mike Hennessy: Well, thank you so much, Charly Emery. I think there’s a lot of good advice in a very short period of time. This is Mike Hennessy and on behalf of the team at LoveEvolveandThrive.com, I would like to welcome you to today’s interview with Dr. Duana Welch.
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