In this video, breakup specialist Clay Andrews answers a question about what to do when you are in an emotional cold war with your ex.
What does “emotional cold war” means?
Being in an emotional cold war with your ex is being in a stand off with him. Neither one of you wants to make a move because neither one wants to be perceived as the pursuer. There seems to be this popular notion that pursuing someone is low status.
This is actually a form of emotional obsessive-compulsive disorder or OCD. Just as people who have OCD don’t have a very thriving life in society, so is having an emotional OCD unhealthy.
Why does emotional cold war happens between you and your ex?
Worrying about how you are perceived is a form of emotional OCD because you are micro-managing your emotional world as well as that of your ex.
There’s a popular belief that whoever cares the least in a relationship controls it. Some so-called dating experts promote this and advocate that you should play hard to get and be aloof. People want that they can't have, so to speak. But that’s not necessarily true; in reality, what’s true is quite the opposite.
What can you do to end the emotional cold war?
Managing your emotional world so you can be perceived a certain way is not a great idea when it comes to dating and relationships. Instead of trying to manage your anxiety about how you are perceived, try to see this as an opportunity for you. Know what it is you really want and think of this as the best time to go after it.
Presumably, you want to get back with your ex. For that to happen, you need to let go of the notion that he has to do the chasing for you to have the upper hand in the relationship. In the first place, it’s never a good idea to be so focused on who’s controlling the relationship because it should be something that uplifts both.
Should you care about how others will perceive you?
You might feel a bit self-conscious about doing the chasing. That’s normal but you need not micro-manage it. Having the freedom to do what you want is actually a bigger pull for your ex. It shows him that you have your own convictions about your own value because you’re committed to go after what you feel strongly about.
Stop caring so much about how others see you. In the bigger scheme of things, that’s not as important as having the relationship that you want and being with the person that you want to be with.
About Clay Andrews
Clay Andrews is a dating and relationship coach who helps women find the right type of man they can create a loving and thriving relationship with. He is the creator of Ex Solution Program- a program that helps couples get back together. To know more about Clay, visit her website below.