In this video, Digital Romance TV relationship experts Michael Fiore and Nora Blake talk about men who are selfish in bed and how you can change him if you happen to be in love with one.
Is it ok to be with a selfish lover?
For the first few times that you are together, being with a selfish lover can actually be hot as opposed to being with someone who is overly concerned with your pleasure. Being with a guy who keeps asking you, “is it good?” can be quite an awful experience.
The ideal lover is someone who is willing to give as well as to take. And sometimes, selfishness can come from a place where you are still feeling each other out. But if someone is selfish in a way that he is not engage with you in a human interaction during sex, then that’s an altogether different thing. You should not be with such a man.
Can you change a selfish lover?
But if you are already in a relationship with someone who is selfish, is there a way to alter that? It would be difficult and there is no complete guarantee that it will work out. From another perspective, what you are asking is making him want what you want. You almost always can’t.
Selfishness often comes from fear and a lack of understanding. Men are not sensual beings, not in the way women are. For most men, sex begins and ends with the act. It might freak them out if you ask them to go beyond it or they don’t see the point of doing more besides.
How do you make a selfish lover less selfish?
Perhaps the better way to approach this is to strike a bargain. This is what he wants, this is what you want – and you need to find a middle ground. But this is not a guaranteed solution because men are in denial that they are selfish and therefore are not good lovers.
Men often are unaware that they are being selfish. This is why bringing it up in a conversation so that you can make him less selfish will not be effective. You just can’t ask him to change.
A couple’s therapy may be of help but he has to want it. He has to want to change for the change to happen. Again, bargaining can be used. There has to something in it for him, like a reward. If he wants you that much, maybe the fact that you will stay with him if he were a less selfish lover is reward enough for him to change. Because, really, you shouldn’t be with a guy who is selfish in bed.
About Michael Fiore
Michael Fiore is a relationship expert and has helped millions of women across the world have better relationships and Nora is his co-host.